You're Not Useless
by Bumblebee'sGuardian
Summary: AU where Eddie doesn't die in "Fast Enough". A month after his 'death,' Eddie has some time to thing about the demons he's been battling all his life and how they all led to his fateful decision. Based on a prompt from Hedgi. Warning: Discussions of depression and suicide.


_**A/N: So good news, I'm alive. Bad news: I probably won't have anything posted for my other stories until maybe tomorrow unless I'm super productive. Almost done with a few chapters for stories, but none are quite done yet.**_

 _ **Anyway, this is all based off a Tumblr prompt I got from Hedgi that exploded on me. Please let me know what you think of it. I really do appreciate reviews.**_

 _ **-BG**_

 _ **PS Might have stuff up tonight for the Hostage Situation sequel. No promises.**_

* * *

Eddie was reading through the arrest reports of the past few months, counting out how many criminals Barry had helped them track down, and not just the one's as the Flash. The man was a CSI after all. He fought crime on two battlefields: in the lab and in the real world. Six hundred and eighty four. Six hundred and eighty four people now facing justice because of Barry. Fifty of them, if Eddie recalled correctly, were all from the same night. Thirty-two from the Flash. Eighteen from Barry's work in the lab.

In the past month, Eddie could barely lay claim to fifty arrests, let alone six hundred and eighty four. It was fascinating really. At the same time though, it was quite disheartening.

Eddie used to pride himself on his arrest record. He got a lot of grief about keeping score, but it was his own weird sort of therapy. That he mattered. That he could make a difference. That he was useful in this world.

Apart from Barry and Iris, no one really knew that his life hadn't exactly been ideal before in Keystone. Wherever he went, he was still always his father's son, the son of the politician who shut down the factory, who took bribes, who was constantly using underhanded moves to maintain his position in the political sector, and who had somehow managed to remain in office for nearly thirty years. Yeah, Eddie took a lot of crap because of his dad, even after high school. Hell, he'd even gone out of state for college to try to avoid the stigma of his father's name. He hadn't even been safe there.

Eddie couldn't remember when the depression had started, but he knew the exact day he had first cut himself. It was during Thanksgiving break in 7th grade. His aunts, uncles, and cousins had come over for Thanksgiving dinner and it had been a wonderful time. Until his father opened his mouth.

"No, Edward isn't planning on going into politics," his father had said in reply to his Aunt Doris' inquiries, "He wants to be a cop. A useless pencil pusher really. He won't get anywhere with that kind of career. The pay's for crap and the work you have to do is just demeaning. And half of the cops in this city are dirtier than the people working at the mine! I mean, I've had to deal with enough cops to know that all you need is a wad of cash and they're working for you and not the city. Edward will be the same. And it's no surprise either. He doesn't have the heart for politics. Hell, he doesn't even have the balls to try to face his problems on his own. Did I tell you about how he had to have his gym teacher teach him how to fight off bullies? I don't even know how he fell so low as to have bullies! He certainly seems to be lacking a spine. In fact, most days I doubt he even has one much less a pair of brass knockers!"

His father dismissing him stung, but it was the agreement of the rest of his relatives and the silence from his own mother that hurt the most. None of them even tried to speak against his father. None of them could even look at Eddie, even as he shuffled out of the room. Eddie didn't even want them to look anymore. He just wanted to die.

His mother had found him a couple of hours later with a pair of broken scissors, calling an ambulance as she tried to put pressure on the cuts on his wrists. They got him to the hospital in time to save him, but only just barely. He almost wished they hadn't until he saw how much is mother was crying. He felt horrible as he saw her crying, apologizing to him profusely for failing as a mother, for not sticking up for him, for forcing him to deal with such a horrible father. He only had the strength to hold her hand, his voice gone as he choked up. Wasn't it all his fault? Apparently not according to his mother.

A whole thirteen hours later, his father finally arrived ready to chastise Eddie, only for his mother began berating his father instead. She cursed at him, screaming at him for being such a brute to their son, and for driving Eddie to his suicide attempt. His father immediately fired back, going so far as to strike his mother in the presence of Eddie, a nurse and even a security guard. Needless to say, his mother's charges against his father never stuck, but by the time Eddie was ready to leave the hospital, his mother was already filing for divorce and he and his mother had moved in with her parents who were all too happy to have them.

Then came the guilt for breaking up his parents' marriage. He made it a whole two weeks before he tried to cut himself again, his mother catching him before he had a chance to mark his flesh again, to reopen his old wounds. She hadn't yelled at him at all, just taking him in her arms and crying, whispering to him that she loved him and that it wasn't his fault. Eddie found himself crying too, holding tightly to his mother. How wasn't it his fault?

When Eddie had finally found his voice again, he managed to force out an apology, not for trying to cut again, but for breaking up his parent's marriage, something that his mother immediately shot down. She sat down next to him on the floor, opening up to him about all the horrible things his father had done to both Eddie and her during their marriage. His father driving him to suicide hadn't been the last straw, but it had made up her mind. Being around his father was toxic to Eddie's health and she needed to get him away from all of that. The final straw apparently hadn't even been his father hitting his mother in public. It had been his father's failure to accept responsibility for his own actions that had finalized her decision.

"It's not your fault, Eddie," she whispered to him, as she took his hands, "It's never your fault."

"But I'm useless," he had replied, "Dad was right. I'll never make anything of myself. I'll never be good enough."

"As long as you even try to do your best, Eddie, you'll always be good enough. You're not useless. You're never useless."

He almost cut again the day he went back to school, the bullies that had tormented him years ago before he had learned to fight back returning to harass him over his suicide attempt. He made it as far as fifth period before he almost tried, the memory of his mother's tears stopping him. The moment he got back from school, he broke down, telling his mother exactly what had happened. A week later, his mother had transferred him to a private school in Central City, his grandparents pitching in to help drive him to and from school while his mother worked. Hell, they even pitched in to drive him to the therapy sessions his mother had enrolled him in after his suicide attempt. His life got better. He soon found that without his usual oppressors and without his father's shadow looming over him, he was actually beginning to enjoy school. His grades picked up. He joined the cross country and basketball teams, never being the best, but always doing his best which made him one of the star players. He got in shape and started taking better care of himself. By freshman year, he found he had quite an effect on the girls at his school, particularly after he hit puberty. His mother even laughing as he somehow seemed to charm even some of her coworkers, a thought that sometimes disturbed Eddie. It was wonderful. His life was good and, despite retaining his father's name, no one knew him here much less harassed him because of his father.

At least, no one knew him until his cousin, Harold, transferred to Eddie's high school during his junior year.

Harold, Eddie realized now, could have been Eobard Thawne's twin were they born in the same century. Pompous, egotistical, manipulative and psychopathic. Harold immediately took charge, worming his way into the upper levels of high school society and practically becoming the king of the whole student body. Of course, it was Harold who let slip to about Eddie's suicide attempt back in middle school. Unfortunately, Eddie didn't find out about it until gym class when a few of his less than amicable teammates from the basketball team had confronted him about it, even going so far as to try to rip off the sweatbands on Eddie's wrists until the coach had come in and stopped their attack. The coach, of course, was aware of Eddie's prior attempts already thanks to his medical records, but the coach had never treated him any different, something Eddie had been thankful for and had been even more thankful for on that particular day. Word spread and, surprisingly, the word only seemed to endear him more to his fellow classmates, despite his cousin's attempts to slander him further. Yeah, his depression surged up again on him afterward, but he merely started talking to the school counselor every few weeks, doing his best to combat the depression before it could take a hold over his life again (though there were a few times when his razor blade and the kitchen knives had been terribly tempting). He largely succeeded and his cousin's continuous barbs were usually easy to just sluff off. Harold was never quite able to destroy him. Of course, it wasn't until their senior year just before the prom that Harold made his final play.

Eddie had been able to survive the rest of his junior and senior years without much trouble from neither his depression (which still found a way to creep up on him) or his classmates and teammates. So, when Harold cornered him out on the track field during the last week of classes, Eddie was shocked at the number of people who stood by Harold and stopped Eddie's friends from coming to his aid.

"You think you're so special, Eddie, don't you? Getting in to Michigan State? Getting out of here?"

"No," Eddie had admitted, "I just got lucky. I got good grades and I worked hard. Maybe if you walked a day in my shoes, Harry, you'd realize that you went about it all wrong. That there's more to life than stepping over people. Maybe if you weren't such a dick, you'd know that already."

Harold attacked without warning, beating Eddie severely regardless of Eddie's best efforts to fight back. Harold had the advantage of being twice Eddie's size and twice as angry, wailing on his cousin until Eddie was sure that his entire ribcage had been shattered. He could hear his friends still trying to come to his aid when his good eye (the other swollen shut) caught a glimpse of something shiny and metal in his cousin's hand. He knew exactly what Harold was going to do before he felt the pressure on his wrists. The familiar sensation of his skin breaking open and blood flowing down his wrists was surprisingly relieving, as if all the pressure and pain bottled up inside Eddie had finally been freed. He both hated it and loved it and that scared the shit out of him, even as security and several teachers came to his rescue. He passed out before the ambulance got to the school.

Eddie spent the next few weeks in the hospital, only being allowed out for graduation (where he was almost worked to tears by the cheers of his classmates over his return). Harold's attack had left him with serious muscle damage, damage that the doctors worried could ultimately affect Eddie's chances of ever being able to use his hands normally again unless they began physical therapy the moment he was healed. Which could be in three to six weeks. The depression came back tenfold, only negated by the effort his mom, his grandparents and his friends put into helping him through all of it. Four weeks after the attack, despite Eddie's initial fears, he started physical therapy.

It wasn't until nearly three weeks into his therapy (which he was doing exceedingly well at), that Eddie found out what had become of Harold.

After cutting Eddie's wrists, Harold had finally been taken down by security, laughing apparently like a mad man over the whole affair. The school, Eddie's mother, and his grandparents immediately filed charges against Harold as soon as they knew Eddie was going to make it. Unsurprisingly, Harold's parents immediately tried to sweep it all under the rug, but neither the school nor Eddie's mom and grandparents were going to let that happen. Hell, even the lawyer father of one of Eddie's best friends had jump in, working pro bono to make sure Harold paid for his crime. Eventually, Harold had been declared insane, much to the disappointment of everyone, but Eddie. Eddie personally was glad his cousin would receive the help he finally needed.

By the end of the trial, it was time for Eddie to head to college. His initial worries that the muscle damage would prevent him from ever playing basketball again were wholly unfounded and, while he was a bit rusty come first day of practice, he was soon back in shape and playing stronger than ever. The darkness of his depression continued to plague him, however, making Eddie almost too thankful for his roommates who made sure he kept going even on his worst days. On the bad days, he would visit the school counselor, finding it extremely relieving to vent to someone other than his mom or his friends. Whenever the urges came to cut himself, he asked his roommates to take anything and everything sharp away from him and keep it out of sight until he was better. He was sure they were tired of this by the third time around that he asked them to help him, but they merely waved off his attempts to apologize to them. One of them, Mike, had merely told him he was used to it. That his sister used to be the same way and he was happy to help.

"Nobody deserves to go through this kind of shit alone. Whenever you need me, I'm here," Mike had told him later when their other roommate was out. Eddie had almost burst into tears then and there, settling for accepting the hug Mike gave him in order to hide the moisture in his eyes. "And like I always tell my sister. You're not useless."

Needless to say, college got a lot easier with so many people behind him.

After four years, Eddie found his depression had slowly gone back into hiding and he finished out college with a bachelor's degree in criminal justice and a minor in Spanish. He was proud of himself, grinning madly as he spotted his mother in the crowd. He'd done it. Now he just needed to prove to himself that he could make something of himself. That his dad had been dead wrong about him.

Moving back in with his mother and grandparents while he secured a job brought back the depression, the mild embarrassment of living with them making him feel both guilty and unaccomplished. It was hard, finding a job. For all the availability in law enforcement, no one seemed to want him. Not even the Central City Police would take him.

Then his grandpa had suggest he try something else: apply with the Keystone City Police.

Eddie had purposefully avoided sending in an application to the KCPD, his father's words about the corruption in the department turning him off. Eddie's grandpa argued, however, that the department would continue to be corrupt unless honest people like Eddie stepped up to the plate and took a crack at fixing things. His grandpa wasn't wrong.

Within a few weeks of applying, Eddie found himself at the academy. Unsurprisingly, he found himself the center of a lot of hate from his fellow cadets, many of whom shared their parents' fierce hatred for the Thawne's, not that Eddie blamed them. His dad was as corrupt as a politician could get and an ass to boot. Honestly, he could relate to them far more than they knew.

It took him a while to win over his fellow cadets, but it was his second ride along that ultimately changed their minds. Officer Hank Jordan, his supervisor and his partner for the day, took him with to sit at a speed trap.

A Ferrari sped by after a few long hours of watching and Jordan gave chase, calling it in to the precinct as the Ferrari driver failed to stop despite their pursuit. After a long twenty minute chase, they finally managed to catch the driver with help from a few other squad cars and a trap set by the road crew.

Almost immediately, the driver got out of the car and started ranting at them, obviously full of himself and very much drunk. It wasn't until Eddie and Jordan stepped forward to cuff the man that Eddie recognized him, the red and blue lights illuminating the familiar features. It was his father.

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" His father kept repeating the words over and over again. Officer Jordan reached out to grab his father only for the man to lash out and deck the officer, sending him straight to the ground. Eddie was on his father in an instant, his blood boiling as he blocked a wild haymaker from him and, grabbing the man's arm tightly, threw him to the ground as his father attempted once more to deck him. He immediately pinned his father down, twisting his dad's arms behind his back, just in time for Officer Jordan to step forward and cuff his father.

"Nice take down, kid," said Jordan, helping Eddie drag the elder Thawne to his feet, "You've got a bright future ahead of you. I look forward to seeing it."

Eddie couldn't help but beam, especially as a few other officers came to take Mr. Thawne away from them, each of them patting him on the back and echoing Jordan's praise. He never once looked back as his father was placed in the squad car and driven away.

Jordan ended up going to the hospital per regulations to make sure that he hadn't been too badly hurt when Eddie's dad had taken him down. Eddie rode back to the precinct, chatting amicably with the officers giving him a lift. They laughed, telling him about the hilarious look of shock his dad had gotten when he had been told Eddie had taken him down. While it made him worry a bit, the officers' attempts to replicate his dad's expression quickly brushed it all away.

Once back at the station, word must have spread of his act because he was getting congratulatory cheers and even more praise as he entered the station. Hell, a few of the senior detectives even offered to buy him the first round or two of drinks from the pub down the street once they all got off shift.

Sadly, the excitement was short lived. A few hours later, Eddie found himself in his captain's office, Jordan and his father present, the latter looking all too smug. Some higher up in the police department apparently had called for his father's release while the DA had already dropped all charges. What's more, Jordan and Eddie were being told to apologize to the senior Thawne for interrupting his drive, or face suspension. Before Jordan could say a word, Eddie was already on his feet, planting himself right in front of his father.

"No. I don't think so. I'd rather be suspended, thank you very much than apologize for something we had every right to do. No man is above the law and that's all we've been following. I don't give a damn if you're my father or the lowest criminal in existence. You should have been locked up a long time ago."

Eddie had turned tail to leave, his father clearly stunned for a moment and hoping that the man would leave it at that. No chance however.

"Isn't that just like you, Edward, to take the easy way out… First, you try to commit suicide. Now this? No wonder you're so fucking useless."

Before Eddie could react, Jordan was already on his feet, shouting at the senior Thawne furiously, calling the politician 'a low life scum,' an 'ass-kissing twisted son of a bitch,' and a 'sorry piece of shit that didn't deserve to have a son with such a strong head and a good heart.' Needless to say, the senior Thawne was taken aback and tried to continue only for the Captain to order the man out of his office immediately or he'd find charges that would stick. The senior Thawne did as he was told, but not without a glare in the direction of the three police officers.

"Jordan, shut the door. I want to talk to the two of you alone." Jordan did as the Captain ordered, putting a comforting hand on Eddie's shoulder as the weight of his father's words finally hit home. "First things first, you're both suspended for three days without pay. If it was up to me, you'd both be receiving commendations for your work here today and I'm not just talking about your arrest today."

Eddie had looked at the Captain stunned by his words and as bewildered as Jordan was as, especially as the Captain dug in his desk drawer and pulled out a bottle of scotch and three glasses. The Captain gestured for the two of them to sit and poured a generous portion for the duo as well as himself. Eddie had taken the glass the Captain handed him shakily, struggling to contain the waved of emotions that had been brought on by the incident.

"I'm damn proud of you both. Jordan, you showed balls calling out Thawne for his behavior and for standing by your partner 110%. Eddie, you did better than any cadet I've ever met. You did your job to the letter and you weren't above taking a hit to your record for doing the right thing. You stood up to your father and I'm proud to say, you're the first person I've seen do it in decades. If half the officers of Keystone were as brave as you are, your father would have been behind bars a long time ago. I hope we get more men like you on the force. We need good, honest men like you and Jordan more than ever." The Captain raised his glass and Jordan and Eddie followed suit, Eddie's glass feeling like lead in his hand. "To good, honest men. May the day never come where no such man exists."

"Here, here," said Jordan.

The three of them drank, Eddie barely feeling the bite of the alcohol even as he and Jordan left the Captain's office.

Jordan put a hand on Eddie's shoulder, guiding him to the locker room. "You know, kid, we've all been a bit harsh on you and I'm sorry. We judged you for your father before we judged you for you."

"It's ok," Eddie had muttered, heading for his locker only for Jordan to stop him and turn him right back around to talk with him face to face.

"What I'm trying to say, Eddie, is that I'm sorry and I'm glad to have you as my partner. The world needs good men like you in it. Don't listen to your father. He's blinded by his own stupidity and greed for power. In my opinion, he doesn't know what an amazing son he has. I would be proud as all Hell to have a son like you and I am proud to call you my partner. So don't let a word of your father's change who you are. You are not useless. You've never been and you never will be useless, you hear me? You're the farthest thing from useless."

Eddie didn't know if it was the most appropriate response, but he'd immediately hugged the senior officer, trying to find a way to voice his thanks, but his throat closing up on him with emotion. The officer had merely patted him on the back and promised him that things would work out. That Eddie's willingness to take on his father had already endeared him to the force. He'd be a detective in no time if he kept up the good work.

Eddie had never felt so cared for by anyone but his mother and Mike. It felt good, despite the horrible thoughts that still churned in his head from his father's words. It felt like everything was going to be all right.

* * *

Eddie was partnered with Hank Jordan for another two years before Hank retired and Eddie was promoted. He talked with his mentor from time to time, meeting him for drinks at the pub with the other officers whenever he could.

A few years later, Eddie had just gotten off shift and had been heading for the pub when he heard shots fired not three blocks from the pub. He'd raced in without thinking, his own weapon drawn as he followed the sounds down the alley. That's when he saw it.

Hank lay on the ground, bleeding from three gunshot wounds to his chest. Some punk kid stood over him, the gun still smoking from the shots. Eddie saw red.

"Hey! Put the gun down and get your hands in the air!"

The kid hadn't even flinched, raising his gun toward Eddie with his finger still around the trigger. Eddie fired, hitting the young man with six solid shots to his torso. There was no doubt in Eddie's mind that the kid was dead before he hit the pavement, but that didn't matter. Jordan did.

"Hank!" Eddie rushed to his mentor's side, putting pressure on the wounds as he called for emergency services. "Hank, stay with me! I need you to stay with me! Help is on it's way. I just need you to hang on for me."

Hank Jordan had merely smiled sadly up at him, choking on his own blood as he fumbled for words. "Sorry, Eddie… They got me good this time… Thanks for-" The man coughed up a mess of blood and Eddie tried harder to put pressure on the man's wounds. "…thanks for backing up your old partner."

"Anytime," Eddie had replied weakly, "I'll try to be on time for the next one, ok?"

Hank chuckled weakly, blood bubbling up from his lips as he began struggling to breathe. "I…I don't think so, Eddie… They got me… They got me this time around… I'm gone already… You just…you stay good, you hear me? You stay good. You stay the good son. My good…"

Hank stopped breathing and Eddie's heart stopped, his voice breaking as he began screaming his mentor's name with no response as he tried to resuscitate Hank to no avail.

When units finally arrived, they found him clutching Hank's bloody body to his chest, screaming and crying out in anguish. It took six officers to pry his friend's corpse from him and three more to guide him away from the scene and to a waiting ambulance to be checked over. He had only vague memories of everything that happened afterwards, recalling only that one of the paramedics had told the cops questioning him that he was in shock. Honestly, he didn't recall much of anything until he was at the hospital and his mother was suddenly there. Someone at the precinct must have called her and told her what happened. He never did find out who it was, but he owed them big time.

The moment Eddie saw his mother, he'd raced toward her, hugging her and breaking down all over again. She'd merely held him, whispering calmingly into his ear. Between sobs, he managed to tell her everything that had happened, including Hank's parting words. At some point he must have mentioned to her how fucking useless he had felt, watching Hank die.

"I know you feel that way, Eddie…" his mother whispered to him, "Anyone would in your position. But you weren't useless. You were there for him. You were there for him when no one else was. And he didn't die alone. He died, knowing that you were there. He died knowing that he was with someone who cared about him and who he cared about just as much."

"I miss him so much already," Eddie had whispered back to her, his throat tightening once again. His mother hugged him tightly in return as he struggled to stifle the next wave of grief. God, what would he have done without her? He really didn't want to know.

After Hank's funeral a few days later (an overly extravagant affair that Eddie was certain that Hank would have scoffed at) the Captain called him up to his office. The Captain immediately pulled out a familiar looking bottle of scotch, pouring a drink for Eddie and himself. Eddie took his glass silently, the glass once again feeling like lead in his grasp.

"You did good, Eddie. God knows, you did good. What you did for Hank… I'm sorry you had to go through that. Losing a partner, a friend like Hank that way is the worst. I'm just glad you got the guy. He's set to go up against the DA in a few weeks."

Eddie just about dropped his glass. "What? Who?"

"Nobody told you?" The Captain set down his glass. "The kid who shot Hank. He's at the jail hospital."

"I killed him," said Eddie, setting down his own glass slowly. He was damn sure he'd killed the kid and put an end to all of this. "I put six rounds into him…"

"Well, the doctors somehow managed to stabilize him. Good news is that he's coping to his actions and he's making a deal. Life in prison for his bosses."

"…so why'd he do it?" Eddie had asked, trying to contain his anger.

"Some gang feud or something. It sounded more like part of an initiation though. We aren't exactly sure."

Eddie felt sick to his stomach, the rest of his Captain's words drowned out by his own thoughts. Was this the kind of city he lived in? Where the bad guys got deals and good men were sent to their graves? That people killed for the sake of buying into some sick club with the blood of innocent people? No. No thank you. "He should have died…"

The Captain had stopped at this, realizing the mood he had put Eddie in. "Why don't you go home, Eddie? Sleep it off."

"I want to see him."

"You know I can't do that, Eddie. We both know what you'd do to him. You'd kill him."

"I'd finish the job," Eddie had replied flatly.

The Captain was quiet for a moment, looking both very old and very tired at the same time. "Is that what Hank would have wanted?" he asked slowly, "Would Hank have wanted you to kill for him? To avenge him? You're a good cop, Eddie, and an even better man. Hank knew that. I know it. You're upset and it's making you not think straight. Go home. Take a cold shower. Get some sleep. Go to a movie. Watch crap soap operas for all I care. Just take the rest of your time off to pull yourself back together. Don't let the bad guys win. Because if you change, you let them win, you hear me? We just lost one good cop because of these bastards. I won't lose one more to them."

Eddie had merely nodded, glancing at the glass of scotch, stuck between hurling it at the wall or downing it all in one go. He went for the middle ground, grabbing the glass slowly and raising it. "…to Hank?"

The Captain nodded in turn and raised his own glass. "To Hank."

* * *

A mere six weeks after returning to duty and battling the demon of depression, Eddie decided he couldn't stay at the precinct anymore. Everything he did reminded him of Hank. God, even going into the locker room was difficult, the memory of Hank's words to him that night long ago coming back to haunt him every time. There was too much history, too many demons and too many ghosts in Keystone. He needed to get away. Much to his Captain's disappointment, he applied to the Central City Police Department and was soon transferring, receiving a slightly bitter but somber farewell from his fellow Keystone cops. They knew exactly why he was leaving.

He was barely two weeks into his new position at the CCPD when the particle accelerator exploded and the world was flipped upside down again. Hearing about Joe and the crap that had been dumped on him by the accident (because losing your partner and almost your son in the same day was absolute shit luck), Eddie had willingly pitched in to help Joe and his daughter, never imagining that covering shifts for Joe and meeting Iris would change his world quite like it did. Not even three months later, Eddie was assigned as Joe's partner and shortly after that, he began dating Iris. Barry woke up eventually. The world got a little crazier with metahumans, but the Flash made things easier. Life got better.

At least, life got better until Dr. Wells had turned out to be his super powered psychopathic future descendent, Eobard Thawne.

Being trapped with Eobard had been the worst experience of Eddie's life. Between the captivity and the starvation, Eobard's constant derogatory comments regarding him and his 'failure' wore him thin by the first couple of days. At first, Eddie had tried to counter, but it wasn't much use. Eobard always had something worse to say and all Eddie could do was listen to it. Hearing it over and over again for weeks just made it a whole Hell of a lot worse.

"You know, I don't understand where you went wrong. Maybe it was when you joined the police department. Law enforcement was always beneath our bloodline. Your son became a career politician with a thing against cops which I completely blame on you. Your daughter rewrote the book on forensics. Your grandsons and granddaughters all went on to become national politicians and prosperous scientist. All of them were entirely morally corrupt, but they sure didn't get it from you. Or maybe it was from your failure as a father. I could care less."

"You know, as glad as I am that your suicide attempt didn't work, I wish it had. You're such an embarrassment to the Thawne name."

"It's amazing how all your relationships fail. You just aren't good enough for these women. No wonder your mother had to find you a proper girlfriend."

"Did I mention that you die in the line of duty? You were 52 and divorced. You really should have taken better care of your firearm, you know? You did have kids to live for. Well, will. Honestly, pathetic. Some hero you are…"

Eddie had gotten so used to hearing Eobard's insults that he almost didn't hear it when the man finally took his leave. Almost.

"Do be a dear, Eddie, and call for help, would you? I don't have the time to show them the way and they'll probably hear you now they're close enough. That's the thing about designing a lab all by yourself. You can hide so many nooks and crannies for your own personal use."

"You mean, I've been in STAR Labs the whole time?" Eddie had whispered, shocked.

"Indeed. Guess they we're looking hard enough. Or they didn't care. Or…maybe they found that they didn't need you. You are useless after all."

Eddie didn't even try to argue as Eobard left. Maybe he was right after all. The detective beginning to cry out for help to moment he was sure Eobard was gone, screaming until his voice died and until Joe and Iris arrived. God, he was useless.

And Eobard had only reminded him of the truth. Who was he kidding?

* * *

Barry helped prove he was useless. Not even a few days later, when Eobard had made his final play against Barry, when Barry came back through the portal and attacked Eobard, when Barry had been losing and Eobard threatened to kill everyone, Eddie had made his decision. If he was worthless, it didn't matter if he made it out of this alive. But Iris, Joe, Barry, and the others? That mattered. They mattered to him. They mattered so much more than a useless failure like him. So he did what he had to do. He shot himself.

"NO! Eddie?!"

"Eddie?! What'd you do?! What'd you do?! What'd you do?!"

"…no such thing as a coincidence," Eddie had replied. He vaguely heard Cisco explaining what he had done. Why he had done it.

"NO!" Suddenly Iris had been there, kneeling over him with tears in her eyes. "NO!" Those were his fault… "Eddie. Eddie, no, no. Stay with me, okay? Stay."

Eddie had choked, half out of guilt, but mostly because he was having trouble breathing. "He was wrong… It turns out I'm a hero after all."

"You are, Eddie," said Iris, her tears falling on his face, "You are my hero."

Eddie had tried to smile, not sure if he managed. "That's all I ever wanted to be. Your hero." His lungs suddenly stopped working on him and his world went mercifully gray.

The next thing Eddie knew, he had woken up in the STAR Labs medical center, Iris and Joe flocking to him in an instant. Between the two of them and mostly through a lot of tears on his part and Iris', he learned that Eobard had disintegrated and in the process caused a wormhole to appear. Barry had run in to close it and found Eddie's body. Professor Stein and Ronnie Raymond had followed Barry in and helped Barry close the portal and save the city. When Barry had brought Eddie's body back, Caitlin had found the smallest trace of a pulse and managed to keep him alive long enough for them to put him on a life support machine until they managed to fix the damage. Miraculously, they had said, he was going to be ok. He just needed to take some time to heal.

Miraculously? Eddie wasn't so sure. He'd just failed. Again. And Barry had been the hero after all.

* * *

Eddie let his head drop to his desk with a thud as he brought his train of thought back to the present. Barry. The hero. Him. The failure.

"I'm so fucking useless…"

"You're not useless."

Eddie's head jerked up at the sound of Barry's voice and he whirled around in his chair to face the CSI. Oh, shit. Had he said that aloud? "Barry, what are you-?"

"I came down to see if you wanted to spar," said Barry. His expression remained both tense and sad. "…do you want to talk about it?"

Eddie looked down, feeling his face flush with shame. "No. I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok," said Barry, sitting himself down in the chair next to Eddie's desk, "I'll just stay here."

"You don't have to," replied Eddie.

"I want to." Barry looked at him with those sad green eyes and Eddie faltered. "Eddie-"

"Barry, I'm fine. Just drop it." Barry let out a bitter scoff of a laugh, causing Eddie to pause. The look on Barry's face… It looked so familiar…

"You know, Eddie, you're the furthest thing from useless. Me? I'm about as useless as a pet rock," said Barry.

Eddie blinked. What? "I…Barry, you have super powers! You've saved the city hundreds of thousands of times! You've arrested more criminals than I could ever hope to catch in a year, much less in the few months you've done it! Me? I…I've succeeded in failing. At everything. I can't even kill myself properly…"

"Don't say that, Eddie," said Barry, the younger man looking uncomfortable and terribly upset, "…that day, I failed. I failed all of you, but especially you. If I had stopped Eobard, you wouldn't have had to do that. If I had saved my mother, I would have prevented every bad thing Eobard ever did from happening. If I had just ignored Eobard's offer in the first place, none of you would have been in danger. I failed. Not you. You…you were the hero in all of this, Eddie. But I thought I'd watched you die to save all of us and I felt so fucking useless, because it should have been me. Not you. It was my problem, my screw up, my failure and all of you almost paid the price for it. You…you dying in front of us…" Barry choked up, his eyes tearing. "I've never felt so useless in my entire life."

Eddie looked at Barry, not sure what to say. "…Barry, you don't understand. I've always been useless… My father never let me forget it and Eobard just reminded me of it. I'm nothing. I'm no one. You? You're the Flash. You save people, families, cities, Hell, whole planets. I'm just…me. Useless me."

"But you're not. You helped Iris when her bag was stolen, not me. You were there to protect her when the Clock King took everyone hostage, not me. You cared more about Iris being safe than yourself when I was whammied by Bivolo. You saved me from Snart and Mick Rory when no one else was brave enough to step in. That's just a few of the many amazing things you've done in the short time I've known you. You've done so much better than I have. You are so much better than I am."

Barry took a deep breath. "Without you…without you, I'd be dead and so would Joe, Iris, my dad, and everyone else. So, no matter what Eobard ever said, no matter what your father has ever said, you're not useless, ok? I couldn't have done anything, I couldn't do anything now without you. And you're on the very short list of people who I would fight side by side with any day of the week. I trust you, Eddie. And I don't just say that to you as someone who helps me as the Flash. You're my friend, Eddie. I trust you completely. You're an incredible, wonderful human being. I wish I could be you."

"You don't want to be me," replied Eddie softly, "I'm…I'm damaged, Barry. I'm damaged goods and I'm a pretty pathetic human being. Compared to you-"

"You didn't almost destroy the world, Eddie, just to try to save your mom," said Barry flatly, "You didn't fall for Eobard's routine for one second while it took me months to figure it out. You didn't almost ruin your relationship with Iris by taking things out of context and being an idiot. You didn't nearly destroy two friendships by being that same idiot. You didn't fail to protect your friends from your enemies. You didn't try to be a hero and fail so spectacularly because you weren't fast enough." Barry swallowed. "You've always been a hero, Eddie, and you've never been useless. You're better than me, Eddie. You've always been better than me and you always will be. You don't need to hide in the shadows to be a hero. You stopped Eobard when I couldn't. You have a whole new destiny ahead of you because you have Iris. And she loves you, Eddie. You're her hero, not me. And to me, that makes you so far from being useless. To me, that makes you the greatest hero that's ever live."

Eddie looked down at his hands, his fingers tracing over the scars on his wrists. Barry, the Flash, considered him a hero? His hero? This all had to be a weird twisted dream and he'd wake up at his desk in a few minutes.

Barry put a hand on Eddie's arm, starling him. "Eddie. This isn't a dream."

Eddie swallowed. Had he said that out loud? "Barry…"

Barry hesitated. "Can I show you something?"

Eddie nodded, not exactly sure what Barry had in mind. The CSI was gone and back in the blink of an eye, now in his Flash suit. "Barry, what's…?"

"Put on your jacket," said Barry, "Please."

Eddie did as he was told, now not so sure he should have nodded at all. "Barry, seriously."

"Just hold on tight."

Next thing Eddie knew, he was flying through the city in Barry's steady grasp. They were suddenly on a hill at the outskirts of Central City and Eddie's breath caught in his throat. The city looked beautiful from here.

"Have a seat, Eddie," said Barry, sitting down as well.

Eddie sat, watching as Barry merely looked up at the sky. His gaze followed the CSI's and he froze. Away from the bright lights of the city, the nighttime sky was lit up by billions of stars. A brush stroke of cloud was painted across the sky and after a moment, Eddie realized it was the Milky Way. He let out a soft gasp and he could have sworn he heard Barry chuckle before the two lapsed into silence, continuing to gaze at the stars.

"It's beautiful…" Eddie finally managed after a little while.

"I know. The first time I came out here… Gosh, it was after one of my fights with Joe… It was raining over the city, but it was dry and clear out here. Watching the rain. The stars. The lightning. It…it just felt so right… So…calm." Barry sighed. "Eddie, I want you to look at every single star out there."

"You know not all of them are stars, right?" Eddie said almost teasingly, earning a half grin from Barry, "There's planets, supernovas, meteorites…"

"You know what I mean," said Barry good-humoredly, "Out of all those stars and planets and supernovas and meteorites, this planet is the only one with you on it. There's only one Eddie Thawne. He's my friend and he's irreplaceable. And the world would be a much sadder place without you."

Eddie swallowed. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No, it's true. But yes, I'm also trying to make you feel better." Barry paused, his tone becoming hesitant. "Is it working?"

"Mm." Eddie shrugged. "I'm not quite there yet. But yes. It is working. Thank you."

"Any time." Barry's smile shrank, but it was still there. His eyes suddenly caught something in the sky and he pointed upwards. "Look. Make a wish!"

Eddie's eyes snapped toward where Barry was pointing and found the shooting star streaking across the sky. A wish came to him, completely unbidden: please let everything get better.

"It will happen."

Eddie turned sharply to face Barry. Had he spoken aloud? "I…I don't know what…"

"Eddie," said Barry, obviously amused about something, "I don't know what you wished for. Only that it will happen."

"How?" asked Eddie.

"Because I wished for your wish to happen," said Barry. Eddie just stared. What? Barry smirked and patted Eddie's shoulder, standing slowly. "So here's a thought. Take the night off. Go spend it with Iris. Go have dinner with her. Go see a movie together. Get ice cream. Spend the night in with her. Do something with Iris. Go enjoy your life. You have a second chance to make the most of it. Not a lot of people get second chances and they don't come around very often. But I do know one thing."

"What?" asked Eddie.

"That the universe couldn't have picked a better, more worthy person to get it."

Barry flashed a grin and suddenly Eddie was standing in front of Picture News, looking straight at Iris' desk. The detective took a deep breath, grabbing the door handle with one shaking hand and swallowing. One step at a time…

Eddie opened the door, walking over to Iris' desk. She stood as she noticed his approach and he hugged her wordlessly, holding her close so he could feel her warmth against his skin, hear her heart beating against his chest, smell the wonderful smell that was his Iris.

"Eddie, is everything all right?" Iris finally said, her voice filled with concern and God, it felt so good to hear the care in her voice. She cared. Barry cared. People cared about him. He was worth something to them. Maybe if he could just convince himself.

"No," Eddie replied softly, "But it's going to be." He kissed Iris' head and just held on to her as if his life depended on her and her alone. Because it did. "It's going to be ok."


End file.
